focus on what?

I haven't posted in quite a while. Nobody reads it anyway so it doesn't matter. My birthday came and went. It was ok. not like the others. i went to jacksonville with him for the week. It was cool. no big deal. only a few of my friends remembered my birthday. The ones who count called. i was serenaded by smob. It was great. Making me smile even right now when I am feeling kind of down.

i don't know why i am feeling down. i feel really weird right now. i remember being blissfully happy not too long ago. What happened to that? I dont know. love and relationships kind of suck. the one that i'm in right now is ok. not the best. so how do you know when it is as good as it gets. when do you know. i am tired of trying to make life work. to make everything ok and to keep everything balanced and to make everyone happy. i'm quite tired. I pray and i pray for something. i just don't know what i need. i know what i want. i don't know what i need. what i want is usually not what is good for me.

i'm getting a little pudgier in the belly area. i have been feeling unsettled lately so i eat good food it makes me feel good. as a matter of fact, i am up at 530 am thinking about oxtails, shrimp and a pretzel from the mall with a lemonade. Yummy.

So should i tell him i love him. no. not now. he has to tell me first. i just want a nice normal life he is just always so preoccupied with his life. how do you deal with that? where do i fit into the gracious space. see his totally ignoring me right now. granted i did say something random that didn't make much sense to him. but it made sense to me. if he said something random to me, i would have asked him what he meant. but maybe he just wasnt meant to know.
i'm hongry!!! yup and i am going to have to have a cocktail or two before i go to the mall. i can't wait until it is time to get up. The baby is wearing 2T clothes now!!!

I feel like my emotions are totally out of my control. I need to go to visit SMOB so that I can be drunk and high for a few days...straight. I am just out there right now. Floating around, being blown here and there by the wind. The wind is a lot of things. Flex, school. work, baby, mom, dad, baby daddy. I am just being tossed around by all of these entities. It makes me kind of crazy. And I can't help it. They all have to be dealt with. Well some have to be dealt with and some I choose to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to sit down somewhere and become invisible. Maybe have an out of body experience and just watch things happen. I pretend real well though. I'm good at it.

I feel like I am holding my breath, holding everything in until it is safe to let it all go. And if it is ever safe to let it all go, I'm afraid I'm going to be a bubbling, babbling, gush of feelings.

here's mine

1. How old were you the first time? 14
2. Name of your first- Johnny
3. Good or Bad? Don't remember the physical feeling. Just remember emotional feelings.
4. Name of the worst and why-Eddie Shannon. Too quick. Didn't really want to do it.
5. Name of the Best and why- Flex...just because
6. Wierdest place you ever had sex? A model home in a new housing development
7. Favorite position? laying on my stomach from behind, or with him on top.
8. Ever fake and Orgasm? Ofcourse
9. Would you admit it if the person asked? Maybe.
10. Favorite time of day to have sex? Right now, in the afternoon, after work, right before I take a nap.
11. Most times you have had sex in one day? Four
12. Same person? Yes
13. Ever fantasize about someone other than the one your with? Yes
14. Restrictions during sex? anal, any type of recording (video, audio, still pictures)
15. Accessories? Sure, why not.
16. What? Not sure, haven't tried any yet.
17. Done it in the rain? No
18. Done it in a car? Yes
19. Had a Threesome? No
20. Want to have sex now? It would be nice.

back home

I am back. California was great. I was in a fairy tale for a week. Totally in love. (I know somemeofbeauty is rolling her eyes and shaking her head). But yes...totally in love....and hating it.

Anyway, I was reading SMOB's blog and she said a few things that made me laugh (as always) and made me think. The thing that made me think was:

"stop focusing on the facts and focus on the truth of Gods word. If we focus on the facts (which is a lie from the devil) we will fall into despair."

I think about God all of the time. I think about prayer and faithfulness. And I am confused. If God is going to do what He wants to do anyway, why do we pray for things. I think it's hopeless. It's ok to pray prayers of thanks and then just pray for God to have mercy on us, because we just have to hope the God feels kind enough to be nice and bless our sinning underserving selves. That is sad. The bible says "ask and ye shall recieve". But that is not true, is it? I know that bad things happen to good, praying, faithful people all the time. I just don't know what to do. It is crazy. I feel like I just wait around and hope that good things happen to me. I hope that God feels like being kind to me even though I don't deserve it.

SMOB also wrote
"people hurt you. Men especially. I dont buy the whole married with kids template that society pushes on us. So all my life Im supposed to work towards being sexy, smart, virtuous, generous, nurturing, strong, essentially perfect so that some man can look at me and say you know what youre okay, Im going to take you home and let you cook, clean, and raise our kids for the next 20 years as long as you keep it hot and freaky so I dont get bored and replace you with the next best thang."

Now that made me think. I am one of the friends who she is talking about who gets giddy about family dinners and vacations. And I wish I didn't. How do I change my desires. It is killing me. I wish I didn't care if a man cared about me. If I didn't care, life would be so much easier.

this is me

Ok. Somemeofbeauty suggested that I evaluate who I am...without baby, without Flex, without any extraneous people. Just me.

I am a woman. Shy sometimes. Likes to socialize sometimes. Doesn't always want to be bothered. A little belly. Not skinny, not fat. Likes to primp. A little prissy. Pretty emotional. Educated. Successful. Focused. Don't like sports too much. Loves to dance and go out. Like to drink. Wine and martinis. Likes cartoons and Nick-at-Nite. Expresses myself best in writing. Often need a little while to collect my thoughts when I am upset. A bag of tears at times. Needs attention and compassion. Loves to laugh. Doesn't take much to make me laugh. Caring about people I love. Almost doting at times. Loves kisses and hugs and public displays of affection. Likes to sleep. Doesn't love to exercise unless I see the effects of my efforts. Impatient and impulsive at times. Likes to cook and be healthy. Sometimes wants to retain control of the situation. Enjoys reliquishing control to a man most times as long as he is respectful and doesn't take advantage. Not always perfect. Sometimes defiant. Don't like animals that walk. Fish are ok. Professional. Articulate. Sometimes indecisive. Loves natural light and sunshine. Not an outdoor person at all. Not a big fan of sweating. Loves flowers. Can be a bit moody. Depends on the day. Loves to smile. Loves being around people. Loves pregnant people. Loves teenagers. Extremely nurturing. Insecure sometimes, needs reassurance. Loves clothes and shoes. Loves to shop (by myself). Loves to eat in restaurants. Loves to read a good book. Addicted to email and the internet. Likes to crochet blankets for gifts when I have time.

To be continued

sigh...pout

Drinking a couple glasses of wine. Mandisa was voted off of American Idol. The only black person left is Paris. Baby went to sleep at 8ish. Yay!! Now just thinking. Of what? Flex of course. I have so much work to do before I leave for CA. And I really don't feel like doing it. Hence the wine. Now I'm sleepy. Was watching ANTM. Called somemeofbeauty (during the commercial) to talk about crazy Jade and she didn't answer the phone. Hmmmmm. What was she doing?????

Anyway, I really need to talk to him. I need to know what is going on. I don't like this at all. I'm ok. Not mad or anything. Just up in the air. And I am not comfortable with it. So...

the talk revised

Ok. I need to revise my thoughts. We are going to California, so I am going to talk to him after we get back because I don't want to ruin my trip.

Assuming that we have a good time in California, I think I want to say something like...

I had such a great time in California and things are feeling good right now, so I have to talk to you about somethings. You know. I think I get some mixed messages from you. Yes you do say that we are not in a committed relationship and that we are just friends. However, we act like we are more than friends. And you treat me like we are more than friends. I am asking for clarification because I have become really invested emotionally in you at this point, and I don't want months and months to pass and you decide that you want to focus elsewhere or have my focus diverted elsewhere because I am under the impression that we are not moving in the same direction. So what I want to know is that if I am labeled as a friend, and I know that you have other female friends, do you have any other "friends" like I am a friend to you. Also, considering my feelings about you, I am not clear about your feelings. You say that you want a wife. So, I want to know if I am just taking up time and space because this is cool for right now, until you find the person that you really want to be with?

You know, I would like to say that I do not need you to make a committment to me. But that would not be truthful. I am quite clear about what I want. As you are about what you want. When I care about someone, I tend to cater to their needs more so than attend to mine. But right now, I have to assert myself because I do not want to be in a situation where you just decide that the grass is greener somewhere else sometime down the line.

Now if I know him, he will say something like...I have been up front with you about the status of our commitment. So you are feeling and doing what you want to do with that basis. I am not misleading you.

And I would respond to something like that...

Well I also told you in the beginning that I was not interested in just a sexual relationship. And I agree that we should not force anything to be. But I am just letting you know that time has passed, feelings have developed and I feel that it is neccessary to clarify my position in your life at this point. Five months ago, things were different. This is just a reassessment.

the talk revised

Ok. I need to revise my thoughts. We are going to California, so I am going to talk to him after we get back because I don't want to ruin my trip.

Assuming that we have a good time in California, I think I want to say something like...

I had such a great time in California and things are feeling good right now, so I have to talk to you about somethings. You know. I think I get some mixed messages from you. Yes you do say that we are not in a committed relationship and that we are just friends. However, we act like we are more than friends. And you treat me like we are more than friends. I am asking for clarification because I have become really invested emotionally in you at this point, and I don't want months and months to pass and you decide that you want to focus elsewhere or have my focus diverted elsewhere because I am under the impression that we are not moving in the same direction. So what I want to know is that if I am labeled as a friend, and I know that you have other female friends, do you have any other "friends" like I am a friend to you. Also, considering my feelings about you, I am not clear about your feelings. You say that you want a wife. So, I want to know if I am just taking up time and space because this is cool for right now, until you find the person that you really want to be with?

You know, I would like to say that I do not need you to make a committment to me. But that would not be truthful. I am quite clear about what I want. As you are about what you want. When I care about someone, I tend to cater to their needs more so than attend to mine. But right now, I have to assert myself because I do not want to be in a situation where you just decide that the grass is greener somewhere else sometime down the line.

Now if I know him, he will say something like...I have been up front with you about the status of our commitment. So you are feeling and doing what you want to do with that basis. I am not misleading you.

And I would respond to something like that...

Well I also told you in the beginning that I was not interested in just a sexual relationship. And I agree that we should not force anything to be. But I am just letting you know that time has passed, feelings have developed and I feel that it is neccessary to clarify my position in your life at this point. Five months ago, things were different. This is just a reassessment.

alone

Thinking about being alone makes me sick. Physically ill. I feel like I can't breathe. I was told that I need to fall in love with myself, but I don't have any desire whatsoever to do that. I dont want to be alone. I don't want to be left when I am no longer wanted or useful. I don't want to feel like this. I just am nauseous about this. Absolutely miserable. What does it take. And if I ever do figure it out, I don't think that i will be able to do it. What is going to happen to me. Am I going to die feeling like something is missing? What do I have to do. It is easy to say just wait and be patient. But be patient for what. Being patient doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't guarantee happiness. And neither does prayer. You can pray until you are blue in the face but God will do what He wants to do. Period. So what is the point. We just sit around in this world and wait for things to happen to us. And just deal with it. So what if you are dealt a hand that you don't want. What do you do? How do you become ok with your circumstances?

the talk

I have to have a talk with him. So this is what I think I might say... Remember when we first started talking, you made it clear that we weren't in a relationship and you were not trying to make a relationship happen but if something developed then so be it. And I made it clear that I was not at all interested in a casual sex relationship and that I did not want a fuck friend or a cut buddy. And it was all good. Well now that some time has passed, we need to clarify some things. I am feeling a little weird now. In the beginning, letting things just be however the wind blows was fine. But you know that my feelings have gotten stronger. And I'm starting to care about what happens between us. It wasn't any big deal before. I guess I just need an understanding. I have not changed my mind about not want a fuck friend. To get right to the point, I want to know if you know now that this would not be more than what it is right now. Just like you know what you want, I know what I want. And if you know that I am just here to take up time and space until you find the person that you really want to be with, then this may not be a good place for me to be cause I care about you and when you do find that person, I will be left with not much. When there is so much up in the air, I feel confused and a little anxious because I have developed feelings for you. Look, I just want to know what I should do about my feelings now. I know what I want. I am clear about that.